The Invigilator
I fear I am a man who thinks too much. I have a mind that seems to work with the same consistency of a pinball machine about to set a high score. Some days the thought processes never seem to slow down; they increase exponentially in intensity.
Over the course of the past few months, I’ve been asking God: “How am I doing?”
Each time I’ve asked that question, I’m not sure I’ve received a definitive answer. I probably have, but I may not have recognized it as an answer I would expect, or even like; however that’s totally on me.
Recently, I envisioned sitting before an individual who was located in an austere, minimally furnished interrogation-type room. He sat at a desk with his face hidden in shadow. The room’s single light source was pointing at me as I sat on a chair in the middle of the room facing him. I had a list of questions in my hand for which I was seeking answers. For some reason, I felt the answers I sought would come from this individual. These questions were all related to how I felt I was stewarding different aspects of my life.
My marriage
My family
My job
My time
My hopes and dreams
My service in my church
My relationship with God
You would think I would have definitive answers for most of these, but interestingly, all of them have dynamic tension which exposes the following:
The give and take of sharing your life with someone and how best to be a true servant-leader and husband.
The dedication to a task when working for someone else.
How to enjoy interacting with and manage providing for your family.
How to properly spend your time, whether it’s free or busy.
How to define and appropriate your hopes and dreams without thinking they’re just frivolous fantasy.
How to serve in church without feeling like a hypocrite, inadequate to the tasks expected of you, or not feeling qualified enough to speak into people’s lives.
How best to define, refine and deepen your relationship with God
How to deal with even writing these words down, because you feel as a Christian, some of the answers should be obvious, or inherent to your professed belief system.
So, with the echoes of self-recrimination fading in my mind, the following is a mental diorama representative of my mind’s usual operational level of cognition.
Invigilator: Mr. Edwards, why are you here?
Me: I’m seeking answers to some questions I have.
Invigilator: I also have some questions for you. Are you prepared to answer those questions?
Me: Yes, I am.
Invigilator: Alright Mr. Edwards, here is the format that will be applied for your examination.
Me: Wait… what examination? I just wanted a few questions answered for clarification.
Invigilator: Your questions are just one component of the examination, Mr. Edwards. Any answers provided by me to your questions, will make up another component of the examination. My questions posed to you, along with any answers you provide in return, will make up the final component of the examination.
Me: I am sorry, I don’t quite understand. I just had some questions I wanted answers to. Why is all of this classified as an examination?
Invigilator: Mr. Edwards, it is my understanding the basis for your prepared questions is to acquire answers which will bring understanding, direction and a level of assurance you feel is currently lacking in your life—is this correct?
Me: Um….yes.
Invigilator: Therefore, in order for me to determine the best answers to give to you, I need to ensure you fully grasp the ‘why’ behind your questions. The most direct and efficient way of doing this, is by asking you some specific questions of my own. Based upon the answers you give, several things may be accomplished:
One: Light will be shed on the things which have transpired in your life which have brought you to this point in time.
Two: Having gained insight into what has led you here, you will have gained a deeper understanding in order to reassess not only what questions to ask, but how you ask your questions.
Three: Should this endeavour not provide the clarity you seek, it may be indicative of deeper issues of your heart which need to be addressed first.
Me: But what if my questions are directly connected to those potential deeper issues of my heart?
Invigilator: That very question reveals a heart seeking Truth. The requisite components necessary to satisfy the processes of the examination have been met.
Me: Wait…what???
Invigilator: You are created in the image of the Most High God, Mr. Edwards. You have also been bought with a great price—with the shed blood of Jesus Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity. Because of His great sacrifice, you are now the dwelling place for the Third Person of the Trinity—the Holy Spirit.
The indwelling Spirit of God has afforded you immeasurable Comfort and Counsel. His Presence in you automatically qualifies you to enter God’s throne room with full confidence to stand before Your Heavenly Father’s Throne of Grace. All component requirements were fully met when Jesus hung on the cross.
Me: Then why did you tell me I needed to meet certain component parameters before I could pose my questions?
Invigilator: All parameters were already met; you momentarily forgot about that. I helped you to ‘examine’ yourself, in order to refresh your memory about what has already been deposited in you. The examination was already completed on your behalf through Jesus’ death on the Cross and His subsequent resurrection. You just needed a reminder.
Me: So this is not …wait, I thought… hang on a sec, … you are …Him?
Invigilator: Yes, Stafford. I Am. I am the Third Element—the Third Person in this Equation. This room is the outer sanctuary to the royal throne room. You may enter through the doors on your right. His Majesty, your Heavenly Father, eagerly wishes to see you and discuss not only your questions, but anything else on your heart.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:15,16