The Process
Am I weak?
Am I lacking physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually?
In my estimation (finite as it is), are my efforts and perceptions, subpar, less than, or totally missing the mark?
Is my awareness of everything in and around me so obfuscated by the weight of my circumstances, that the required trajectory I believe I should be on, has become skewed far off its original course?
It’s strange, I saw that going differently in my head. That conversation. That expression. That difference of opinion. That argument. I saw the evidence, the proof, the validation… possibly even the vindication…
... of my position
… of my opinion
… of my defence
… of my rights
The right to be heard. The right to be listened to. (There is a distinct yet subtle difference). The right to be vindicated … and the right to be understood.
Yes, I saw all of this going differently in my head—unfortunately, all the difference in the world of my head transpired not before, or during … but after the fact. After the conversation derailed into acrimony and argumentative accusations. After the barely held together fellowship of peace fell out of the sky, due to the lack of fuel for forgiveness.
After my inadequate attempts at reason, and understanding fell way short of their intended goal and my desire to avoid the insidious, soul-trapping lure of bitter root judgement began to falter ... that is when I started to see things going differently in my mind. When in the aftermath, a new conversation began…with just myself.
When the justification of my position became all the more clear. When the cogent reasoning of my arguments made perfect sense. When the pain in my heart and the confusion of my mind joined forces to counter the feelings of inadequacy, and ineptitude—there waiting with open arms, were my old nemeses—self recrimination, fear and the always inscrutable arbiter of all that is selfish … pride.
The trifecta of emotional turmoil, always conspiring to counter seeing the Divine in your distress—your Development in the desert—your Destiny in the dilemma.
They always stand against you to circumvent, delay or outright deny you the ability of coming into focus and agreement with the specific and intricately timed reasons for the Process you find yourself in.
It’s not that God wants to make you needlessly miserable with confusion or pain, but it’s certainly God‘s desire to use the very things which try and destroy us; those things that seem insurmountable or impossible, in order to demonstrate his unfailing, unfathomable compassion and love for us.
The fire of the very process you find yourself in, is the fuel for the fire God wants to fill you with on the inside. His fire is a consuming fire. No thing and no one can ever stand against it. The Process may feel like you’re being burned alive, but the Divine in the Process will always enable you to walk through it without a single hair on your head being singed, or any scent of lingering smoke on your clothes … of His righteousness.
So, instead of trying to self-manage the process, lean in to the heart of the One who has already seen it going differently …. in His mind.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. - John 16:33 NIV